Dear Lover of Vodka

Dear Lover of Vodka,

Where do you get off? I must write this letter on behalf of my kind. Because my kind will never understand your kind. How could you pledge allegiance to such a neutral spirit? Your slavish devotion disgusts me. Think of the liquor’s etymology: for the etymology speaks volumes about the liquor, about you. Little water, hah! It is the ghost of the spirits world. It is diminutized by even that most basic of liquids, the one we need to stay alive.  Vaunting vodka is like bragging that you have all the personality of a chair.

Vodka is not, and will never under any circumstances, be delectable. Certainly, I appreciate the history. Assuredly, I understand, one may have been raised in a country where the spirit is national drink, and therefore part of one’s cultural heritage. In this case, one is very likely to be ensnared by such disagreeable preferences. But then if whiskey ever touched your lips! After that, no excuse could be granted. Sure, of course, there are arguments. ”Whiskey is an acquired taste,” and “it takes time to warm to foreign flavors,”…and blah blah blah. But let’s think about this rationally. Let’s think realistically about aromas, flavors, colors, and the like.

Vodka is BORING! Transparent, nothing, nada, zilch. Aromas of rubbing alcohol, if anything at all. (In case you wonder, I refuse to even mention flavored – “infused” – liquors. They are produced expressly for girlie-girls. End of discussion.) While reading tasting notes, my skepticism reigns supreme. For they are, in all likelihood, a steaming crock of shit. My palate is developed, my palate is refined…and these flavors you fakers claim exist, they’re heretical lies! You may counter that the quality of this boozy drink is defined by an absence of flavor, and on that, I’d agree. But that just proves my point, you see? And you may try again with “terrific mixer”. To that I will say: I’d take a whiskey, or even a gin cocktail over a vodka any day.

On the other hand, we have whiskey… oh, the joys! With its million-and-one flavors, its million-and-one styles! There’s oak and smoke, and peat and honey. There’s vanillafruitspiceflowersleathermaltsaltnutsfireanischocolatecoffeemolassescinnamonmaplesugar! Hues dazzle in range from palest gold to mahogany. Textures of smooth, of unctuous, of chewy. And listen, listen: they say our sense of smell connects most directly to memory. Whiskey’s plethora of aromas means that every drink is stitched with a lovely future nostalgia. Remember: whiskey warms like no other drink. It is most versatile, too – can be slurped from tin mugs at a camp fire in the mountains, or sipped minutely (decades-old single malt) at the fanciest of gatherings. It fetches prices like no vodka ever will, because of the aging. Whiskey is King of Spirits.

If you are an American, Lover of Vodka, then my distaste for you doubles. Bourbon whiskey is our very beginnings; to reject it is traitorous. And so, I conclude: I think that you are a sinner, oh Lover of Vodka. A sinner, a sinner, and only one way to atone…you must switch to whiskey post-haste, extolling its virtues ‘til the end of your days!

Most sincerely,

A Lover of Whiskey

~ by kingzoko on June 28, 2010.

5 Responses to “Dear Lover of Vodka”

  1. absolut-ly brilliant. i love it. and whiskey too.

  2. This post is classic. I’m sending it over to a few of the worst offenders – Grey Goose fanboys.

  3. This is great. I laughed throughout just because the whiskey lover is so adamant, so sure of what he knows is right and true. This piece is really poetic sounding too.
    I will be critical too, but I’m commenting first on the ones I like. I love this piece.

  4. amaze-balls.

  5. Yeah, but what do you really think?

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