The single wipe

Everyone desires the single wipe. A quick glide with three sheets of TP – you look, and joy of joys! – the paper maintains an uninterrupted bleachitude. You pull up your pants, a paragon of efficiency, and rinse your hands without worry of afternoon bumcrack grittiness or end-of-the-day skid marks. Equally coveted, and acting as precursor to the single wipe, is that perfect “S-shaped” poop. And yet, beautiful bowel movements can be difficult to attain. This is true even if you follow all of the known rules and remedies: ensuring your system is plentifully watered; mowing down on bananas, whole grains, almonds and apples; resorting to supplemental fiber like psyllium which you whisk into juice (suppressing your gag reflex as the concoction grows disgustingly viscous in your mouth, loogifying diabolically as it slides down your throat); further, avoiding the obvious culprits, which are, like all sinful things, always incredibly hard to avoid, i.e. caffeine, alcohol, fried shit, sweets, beans and cabbage (I, for one, am constantly lusting after cabbage)… As I said, even when all of these recommendations are adhered to, the single wipe is not guaranteed. You have increased your chances, yes. You are treating your digestive tract like a star. You believe it should react in kind. But contrary to Western medical dogma, the intestines are not an intrinsic part of your whole. They can be capricious, whimsical. The single wipe remains elusive. If your morning discharge ends thusly, remember to be grateful. For everyone will concur: the single wipe is the start to a great day.

~ by kingzoko on January 10, 2014.

2 Responses to “The single wipe”

  1. lol I agree. very elusive!

  2. I like this one the best so far.

    I like many of the other ones too… But this one is hilarious. And I like hilarious.

    I hear I may not see you at my regular haunt as is my routine… True?

    If so, I’m sad. Let me know how to stay in touch!

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